No other year has been quite like this one and I hope we don’t have another one try to give it a run for its money down the road. I’ve been fortunate to be healthy and employed, so I certainly am not complaining in that regard. Mentally and emotionally though? It’s been a hell of a year.
The murder of Ahmaud Arbery during a neighborhood run. The murder of George Floyd in the middle of an already unnecessary apprehension by police. The murder of Breonna Taylor in her own home, in her own bed. And then, to tie it all up, I realized that some of my white relatives are not at all sensitive to the impact of the continued violence and injustice against Black people on their own Black family members.
It was a lot. To stay sane, I couldn’t let myself sit and stew in all of it. I had angry days where pain poured out in tears and my body filled with tension. I had to choose to release it. I acknowledged that I had every right to be angry and upset and exhausted. I let myself feel it, but I also chose not to focus on it. Instead of adding to the frustration by seeing what else the media, politicians, or even Facebook had to say, I opted to take my mind off of it and I chose comedy to get me there. Laughter and music are our common medicine anyway.
I don’t know how many comedy specials I’ve seen over the last 12 months, but I know it’s exponentially more than I’ve watched any other year in my life and possibly more than all my previous years combined. There were specials and anthologies and limited series. And even some reruns of Whose Line Is It Anyway? I’ve watched specials in at least six different languages at this point. It’s crazy how far this American style of comedy has gone and how each country and comedian has put their own spin on it.
As a Christian, maybe you’d expect me to say that I dove into prayer and the Bible when everything outside seemingly went to pieces. But that wasn’t my reality. I didn’t feel the need to ask God “why?” for all of these things and search feverishly for answers. While everything happening at once was painful and I certainly did ask for comfort, I already know that we as humans have the capacity for shocking levels of evil. Repeated atrocities throughout history have mostly removed the question of “why?” for me. We make our decisions and we face our consequences. And often we get caught up in other people’s consequences too. So, I live with a certain level of peace knowing that God is still there within the madness. I know that He sees us and hears us and understands our emotions.
I sat my butt on my couch, turned on the TV, and let myself think about all of it a little less.
I’m proud of all the people I know who have used this time to pursue healthier habits. Beyond a casual walk and some sunshine, I haven’t put as much focus on exercise for some months now. I’ve been more focused on overall health. I figured out how to better listen to some of the signs my body has been giving me. I saw where I was overextending my capacity emotionally and adapted. I’m practicing how to be more vocal when expectations are unclear so I don’t have to be stressed out by unnecessary uncertainty. I’m setting aside more time for myself to unwind in in the ways that I need. And as of January, I’ve been enrolled in a virtual class to improve my Spanish skills.
I don’t have any idea how the rest of this year will go, but I’m thankful for the opportunity to be around to find out.
Header image courtesy of Fox Performing Arts Charitable Foundation.
Maya Just Writes 